Getting the heeby jeebies.

I'm 25 weeks. In less than one week, I'll just have 100 days left. That may seem like a lot to some of you, but to me, that doesn't feel like nearly enough time. I think I've become so consumed by the delivery (I'm not concerned in the slightest about my labor), that it's being difficult to focus on what this whole thing is about. THE BABY.

We all know about my first go at having a baby. It sucked bull honkey donkey guts, and though I'm nearly certain there will not be a repeat of those circumstances, I can't help but become all consumed by the OTHER things to be nervous about. Truth be told, I'm faced with risks left and right. There's no easy answer for me, like some seem to believe. What is the easy answer? They think I'm careless, to not just sign up for the routine c-section. Granted, these are the those that have never had a c-section (mom etc). I understand that my mom is just concerned about taking the "safest" route, and I think she feels like that's the safest route because it seems the one with less risk. You generally know what to expect from a c-section. Babies don't die. Your uturus doesn't explode. But what people don't realize, is that having a VBAC is only .2% more risky than a csection. And the difference is, with csections, the risk is to the mother. With vbac, the risk is to the baby. I used to tell myself that if it came down to me or a baby, I would chose the life of the baby. But that was before I had other babies. Now it's just one fat conflict on who to put at more risk (even though it's only .2%...less than 1/4 of a percent!). Either way, I'm scared shitless. Yes, I said the 's' word. Because I really really want to remember how scared I am someday when I'm reading this again. (Sorry to those I offend, really.)

One way, I know what to expect. Recovering from my csection felt like recovering from getting hit by a truck. No exaggeration. But it was fairly quick. It was hard not being able to sit up to lift my new baby, or to change her first diapers, go to her when she cried, etc. But, that's what daddy's are for. They're there to help. Waiting to make sure your intestines were put back in right was gnarly, too. If you don't poop in those first hours, you're screwed. It was scary waiting for that trip to the bathroom. I feel like as a woman, I was meant to go through the trial of natural labor and delivery. I got everything but the delivery. I experienced nearly an entire labor, dilated beautifully, etc. The negligance of the medical staff has absolutely changed my life permanently. With each consecutive labor, I will become another VBAC/Csection statistic. Not what I want. I want to assume that labor will go smoothly, delivery will go smoothly (well, as can be expected of anyone without a scar on their uturus) and that my baby will be ok coming out the way they're meant to. But until I have a successful vaginal birth, I'll never know if I'm one of those in the 2% that fail at VBAC, and my uturus ruptures. Not to mention, OB's are generally terrified about VBAC's. Hospitals have only just recently removed the VBAC ban from their list of procedures. Because of that, it's a fairly new "common" occurance. Most women tend to VBAC from home, to avoid medical intervention that so often ends in surgery. I want a voice this time around. More than that, I want the strength to trust in my body, and to trust in a loving Heavenly Father and His plan for the birth of every little child He blesses us with. It seems to be the story of my life - my lack of faith. Maybe I need to spend the next 107 focusing on how to increase my faith. Not only my faith in Heavenly Father, but my faith in my own ability to birth my baby.

Oye vay, right?