About 4 years ago, I used to blog religiously. Well, maybe 5 years ago. I can't even remember the name of my blog. It was before people every really blogged. And it was back when only my best friend Jessica and this guy from my past would read. My blogs were full of craaaaaaazy emotions, representing a very unstable, wreck of a girl. It would be funny to read that blog. I wish I could remember the darn address. I probably deleted it, who am I kidding. But anyway, the point is, I've come so far in my life. And then at the same time, I'm still that girl. Emotional, needy, and happy with the slightest bit of attention from the man I love. But my life, and my circumstances, couldn't be MORE different.
I'm sitting on my couch watching my little cute daughter dance around the living room, in the home I own with my husband (in OC, no less. that's a feat. and it hurts on the 1st of each month.) and I have nothing but JOY as I watch her little midget legs move quickly and her chubby arms flail wrecklessly, in a fashion that she surely thinks is beautiful and amazing to see. She is so funny. She's just like me, which is probably why I get PURE happiness from just being in her presence. She looks out of the corner of her eye, constantly, to make sure I am watching her, to make sure I catch every awesome move she makes, so that I can cheer her on excitedly, and encourage her to keep being incredibly awesome. I am truly her biggest fan. Today she brought me a pad of paper, and a pen, and said "eeeeeeese, eeeeeeeese" (please, please), showing me that she wanted me to hold the paper still so she could draw on it. I was more than happy to assist her. I looked at her tiny litte (ever so deliciously fat) fingers clutch the pen, and she began to swirl the pen around on the pad. She drew with such patience, and I watched her discover something lovely and amazing to her. And then I started crying and crying like the boob that I am, and took it a moment that I won't soon forget. My little darling lovely girl is growing up, learning, and discovering all of the exciting things that the world has to offer her. She is so happy to learn everything that she can, and is just as happy learning about everything all on her own (as long as I'm close by to cheer her on, and help her ONLY if she needs :P). I am such a fan of my Mckenzi.
I know that we all go through it, but I'm just having a hard time embracing the idea of having another little one in the house. I'm the first to admit that I'm NOT excited about another newborn. There are moms that liiiiiiive for those moments with a brand new babe. I live for the moments with the baby once they're fat and somewhat independent. :) I didn't know this about myself until AFTER I got pregnant. Obviously it's my hormones in full swing helping me feel negative about what's to come. But, I really am worried for this kid, that I won't love him well enough. It just "happens," everyone says. Well, I'm really relying on that. I am having some awesome anxiety about surrendering my boobs over to yet another little suckling. I hate myself for even dreading it. I loved nursing Mckenzi. Everything about it was perfect and awesome. She was a champ, it was easy, my milk flowed as freely as friggin Niagra Falls. I loved the quiet, sweet moments between us. It became something that I enjoyed less as it became something that crippled our family - I never really pumped (other than to relieve copious amounts of milk that just went to waste cuz we had so much) for bottles, so it was up to me to sustain the kid every 2-4 hours for the first year of her life. We couldn't go out, cuz she wasn't trained on bottles, etc etc. Anyway, long story short, as much as I loved nursing Mckenzi, at this point I'm not ready to committ to such a major sacrifice for the next kid. I will absolutely nurse - no question about that. I saw through the unbearable pain and the endless tears for MONTHS in order to successfully feed Mckenzi, so I will do it for the next one. I believe that's my job as a mother, and since I can, I will. But my heart's not in it yet. And I will absolutely do it differently the next time around (hello pump and bottles), and Daddy is gonna help with the night time feedings. Hollerrrrrrrr. Anyway, lookin forward to wanting this kid. Why didn't I know ahead of time that I didn't want another baby as bad as I thought I did? Oye. Pregnancy hormones are messsssssin'!
In other awesomely awesome news, I now have a membership to Massage Envy. This is rad in so many ways. I cringe at how much I'm paying for said membership, but relish the idea of getting rubbed for a nominal fee whenever I want. My mom got one too. So we are soooo gettin pampered regularly.
I'm 13ish weeks. Haven't gained any weight, in fact I'm still at the minus 10 lb mark. Not sure how I'm not gaining, seeing as though the only things I can manage to eat are sugars and carbs. Second trimester isn't letting up on me yet as far as feeling like crappy crap crapster, but this pregnancy is so different than the first, that I'm not gonna complain. Sure it sucks to be sick 95% of the time, and we're talking have-to-lay-down-or-i'll-puke-and-die sick, but at least when I lay down I have some relief. With my first pregnancy, there was zero relief, ever at all. So I should be counting my lucky stars, right? Or is it thanking my lucky stars? I have only half of the half brain I had left after having Kenzi, now. I am the stupidest person I know, by far. Even more dumb than my sister Heather, who can be pretty awesomely hilariously blondely dumb more frequently than not. I have her beat. I can't remember simple terms. Basic grammar is lost on me. Spelling is out the window. Sentence structure, bye bye. I'll miss you, brain.
Oh yes, in other news, I'm so getting plastic surgery. I told Neal that when we're done having kids, I'm getting a major breast reduction, which will more than likely involved a painful lift to put them back in place. And maybe a procedure to get rid of the sack of stretchy skin that my kids gave me. I decided this when I realized how much money I waste on bubble bath. When you use a bottle a week on bubble bath, to make sure you have enough bubbles to cover your body so you don't have to look at it while you bathe, you know there's an issue. And, can I just add, my body does NOT look as awesome as it grows and "blossoms" with this second child? My stretch marks and scars from my gall bladder surgery have done nothing for my midsection's hotness. Only the lack thereof.
Blogs like this happen when you never blog anymore. Alllll over the place, no pictures, total rambling, and often tmi. I can't wait for my boob job someday. I will buy patterned cute bras with matching underwear, like I've never done before. And possibly a bikini. If I get my tummy tuck. And I will fight for my insurance to cover my boob job, because you should see the toll they've taken on my spine. Judge away, but my boobs will be awesome.