Can I get a "holler" please?

We three are living large. Highschool sweethearts. Married in the Newport Beach LDS Temple. Two kids. Taking life a day at a time!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Death

Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night from a terrible dream/nightmare. Neal was holding Mckenzi in my parents toy hauler (big huge 40+ something foot trailer), and he lit a match for something. Then there was a small explosion. I was outside of the trailer, and the flames came out of the trailer door, so I knew the explosing was big enough that it potentially hurt them both. My concern (in the dream) was for Mckenzi. The flames disappeared as quickly as they appeared, I ran into the trailer, grabbed her into my arms, and she was alive and breathing. She layed in my arms with her eyes closed, cuddled in close, as if she knew that what she had experienced was dangers and scary. I couldn't seem to let her go out of my arms after that. And she seemed just as comfortable staying in my arms.

I woke up shortly after the explosion, and felt overwhelmed with the idea that I would be dieing soon. How awful is that? The reality of such a possibility really hit me then, and I just couldn't get back to sleep. Obviously my mind wandered to how I could possibly die, and my concerns turned to the possibility of me dieing during child birth, leaving my young family very much on their own. I wondered what type of sorrows I would experience in the after life, considering I would obviously have a different perspective. But I would no less have sorrow and sadness. Anyway, the feelings were rather overwhelming and strange last night, particularly because i've never considered the possibility of ME dieing while having this next baby. And then I realized that I'm not my best right now. That there are things I need to get in order before I can leave this life, to ensure I've done my part to make it to celestial glory with my family. I built a mental list, and now to just begin fulfilling that list. It's always easier said than done, but when you think about the idea that you might die soon, and you feel very strongly that you might die, the motivation isn't too hard to find. My poor children. They shouldn't have to grow up without a mommy.

What an unhappy post, right? Well...in better news, we are going to the Orange County Fair tonight. We wait for the fair to come every summer, mostly just because we like to eat anything and everything we want. It's funny though. We have been trying to think about what we want to eat this year, and nothing is topping our lists. We've tried everything really, and nothing is really irresistable enough that we HAAAVE to have it again. Though we surely will. I'll be sure to take pictures of what we consume. Maybe I'll even take the wheelchair, and make my husband push me around. :D

4 comments:

Emily said...

Or maybe you'll die in a car accident (more likely) or of a rare infectious disease, or a meteor from the sky or a million other things. There are always a million risks, a million things to be afraid of. Trust that the Lord would never take someone before their work is done. I just try to trust that my work is not yet done and instead of live in fear, I try to take each *risky* moment with faith.
Death is something I've thought of lately. In praying about it, I feel that no one is taken by accident. We have to make decisions everyday that *could* kill us. I don't think the Lord just leaves it up to us to make silly mistakes or take a risk we shouldn't and then say too bad. He will protect us if it is his will. He guides with the spirit or sends protectors. True, you must do the best you can to avoid unnecessary risks, but there is risk to everything. What kind of life would you have if you tried to eliminate all risks?!?! Go forward, listen for the spirit, have faith. In the end all is well. You are sealed for eternity.

KatieBug said...

will u take a pic of the giant steer for me? thanks.

Emily Goot said...

scary death dreams suck. I know exactly how you feel wendy. throughout my pregnancy with emmett I was terrified something was going to happen to me. I even wrote about in my blog too becuz I was just so scared and freaking out. That alone was not good for me, so I decided to do something about it. plan. after having children you must plan in any event, no matter how scary to think or talk about. I think that is what got me through my pregnancy. Maybe it was a feeling to help me be aware and part of the reason I decided to make a life changing decision. we all have decisions that we need to make. do not let it consume you though. You are meant to be with your family and i fully believe that. I am looking forward to seeing you soon though! we are going to be down august 4-8 so when it gets closer ill let you know so we can stop by and give you some goodies. :)

Jessica said...

Um, this scared ME and I haven't even seen you in years. Don't die please.

Maybe, if there are things that you feel you need to change in your life, this was more of a wake-up call to action than an actual presentiment of death.

Also, I share this because it's funny, not because I think the same thing is happening to you, because obviously you already know that you're pregnant, but my sweet mother had insane disaster dreams right before she was pregnant with each of us three kids (that's how she says she knew, and she's not really a superstitious dream-interpreting type). Steven's, I think, was the most dramatic- it ended with a 747 crashing in the backyard of the house they were living in at the time. The saddest part, she says, was that it knocked down the peach tree in the backyard.

Or maybe you just had a bad meal. I know I did yesterday and woke up from a dream involving me and a bath robe. That's all I remember.

Also, I love you. Take good care of yourself!