Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night from a terrible dream/nightmare. Neal was holding Mckenzi in my parents toy hauler (big huge 40+ something foot trailer), and he lit a match for something. Then there was a small explosion. I was outside of the trailer, and the flames came out of the trailer door, so I knew the explosing was big enough that it potentially hurt them both. My concern (in the dream) was for Mckenzi. The flames disappeared as quickly as they appeared, I ran into the trailer, grabbed her into my arms, and she was alive and breathing. She layed in my arms with her eyes closed, cuddled in close, as if she knew that what she had experienced was dangers and scary. I couldn't seem to let her go out of my arms after that. And she seemed just as comfortable staying in my arms.
I woke up shortly after the explosion, and felt overwhelmed with the idea that I would be dieing soon. How awful is that? The reality of such a possibility really hit me then, and I just couldn't get back to sleep. Obviously my mind wandered to how I could possibly die, and my concerns turned to the possibility of me dieing during child birth, leaving my young family very much on their own. I wondered what type of sorrows I would experience in the after life, considering I would obviously have a different perspective. But I would no less have sorrow and sadness. Anyway, the feelings were rather overwhelming and strange last night, particularly because i've never considered the possibility of ME dieing while having this next baby. And then I realized that I'm not my best right now. That there are things I need to get in order before I can leave this life, to ensure I've done my part to make it to celestial glory with my family. I built a mental list, and now to just begin fulfilling that list. It's always easier said than done, but when you think about the idea that you might die soon, and you feel very strongly that you might die, the motivation isn't too hard to find. My poor children. They shouldn't have to grow up without a mommy.
What an unhappy post, right? Well...in better news, we are going to the Orange County Fair tonight. We wait for the fair to come every summer, mostly just because we like to eat anything and everything we want. It's funny though. We have been trying to think about what we want to eat this year, and nothing is topping our lists. We've tried everything really, and nothing is really irresistable enough that we HAAAVE to have it again. Though we surely will. I'll be sure to take pictures of what we consume. Maybe I'll even take the wheelchair, and make my husband push me around. :D