Can I get a "holler" please?

We three are living large. Highschool sweethearts. Married in the Newport Beach LDS Temple. Two kids. Taking life a day at a time!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Getting the heeby jeebies.

I'm 25 weeks. In less than one week, I'll just have 100 days left. That may seem like a lot to some of you, but to me, that doesn't feel like nearly enough time. I think I've become so consumed by the delivery (I'm not concerned in the slightest about my labor), that it's being difficult to focus on what this whole thing is about. THE BABY.

We all know about my first go at having a baby. It sucked bull honkey donkey guts, and though I'm nearly certain there will not be a repeat of those circumstances, I can't help but become all consumed by the OTHER things to be nervous about. Truth be told, I'm faced with risks left and right. There's no easy answer for me, like some seem to believe. What is the easy answer? They think I'm careless, to not just sign up for the routine c-section. Granted, these are the those that have never had a c-section (mom etc). I understand that my mom is just concerned about taking the "safest" route, and I think she feels like that's the safest route because it seems the one with less risk. You generally know what to expect from a c-section. Babies don't die. Your uturus doesn't explode. But what people don't realize, is that having a VBAC is only .2% more risky than a csection. And the difference is, with csections, the risk is to the mother. With vbac, the risk is to the baby. I used to tell myself that if it came down to me or a baby, I would chose the life of the baby. But that was before I had other babies. Now it's just one fat conflict on who to put at more risk (even though it's only .2%...less than 1/4 of a percent!). Either way, I'm scared shitless. Yes, I said the 's' word. Because I really really want to remember how scared I am someday when I'm reading this again. (Sorry to those I offend, really.)

One way, I know what to expect. Recovering from my csection felt like recovering from getting hit by a truck. No exaggeration. But it was fairly quick. It was hard not being able to sit up to lift my new baby, or to change her first diapers, go to her when she cried, etc. But, that's what daddy's are for. They're there to help. Waiting to make sure your intestines were put back in right was gnarly, too. If you don't poop in those first hours, you're screwed. It was scary waiting for that trip to the bathroom. I feel like as a woman, I was meant to go through the trial of natural labor and delivery. I got everything but the delivery. I experienced nearly an entire labor, dilated beautifully, etc. The negligance of the medical staff has absolutely changed my life permanently. With each consecutive labor, I will become another VBAC/Csection statistic. Not what I want. I want to assume that labor will go smoothly, delivery will go smoothly (well, as can be expected of anyone without a scar on their uturus) and that my baby will be ok coming out the way they're meant to. But until I have a successful vaginal birth, I'll never know if I'm one of those in the 2% that fail at VBAC, and my uturus ruptures. Not to mention, OB's are generally terrified about VBAC's. Hospitals have only just recently removed the VBAC ban from their list of procedures. Because of that, it's a fairly new "common" occurance. Most women tend to VBAC from home, to avoid medical intervention that so often ends in surgery. I want a voice this time around. More than that, I want the strength to trust in my body, and to trust in a loving Heavenly Father and His plan for the birth of every little child He blesses us with. It seems to be the story of my life - my lack of faith. Maybe I need to spend the next 107 focusing on how to increase my faith. Not only my faith in Heavenly Father, but my faith in my own ability to birth my baby.

Oye vay, right?


Emily said...

Have you thought of hiring a doula? I have never met anyone who used one that didn't feel like it was worth the money, especially in the hospital. I highly recommend one. You can drive yourself crazy with the risks, statistics, blah, blah, blah of anything. It all depends on who you ask and they all contradict each other, even from doctor to doctor. Even the ACOG has gone back and forth on the issue. Up till 1996 they were very common, then they reversed the stance for a while, now reversing it again. I think being in a hospital and avoiding induction drugs, you will be very very safe. I'm sure you've read plenty about this so I'll spare you a diatribe : ) Just pray about it and do what you feel is right whether it's going for another section or giving birth in a barn by yourself. Have you had a blessing yet? I always feel like if you and this child are meant to be here, it'll happen no matter where and how the event takes place. One thing's for sure, having power over your birth will transform you. Think positive thoughts and don't allow negative stories or comments get to you. Women's bodies are amazing, powerful, divinely created miracles!

Shelley said...

I've watched a bunch of documentary type of things on Netflix about giving birth and I've learned that a lot of doctors do unnecessary C-Sections because it is easier/more convenient. I'm sure that it is a risk to do VBAC but so is C-Section. They say it gets more and more dangerous with each consecutive one you get. I'm sure you will do what is best for you and your baby. You are right to trust your body and do what you feel is right. Don't let the doctors pressure you into anything!

Emily Goot said...

i gotta say wendy. do what you want! I wasn't supposed to get pregnant..and guess what I did it twice..and I was scared (gasp) shitless too! I was also pressured to terminate my 2nd pregnancy. but i have now made the decision to stop having kids becuz I am a mommy to two great kiddos and i wouldn't want to put myself at any more I totally agree with ur POV there.

and as for VBAC? I say go for it. I had c-sections with both children but it wasn't without debate among several OB's and pediatric cardiologists about C-sec vs. V-birth. I had a C-section with Savannah due to her being breech and not turning.
I planned on going to term and going into labor and the whole sha-bang with Emmett. But... our Heavenly Father stepped in on that one and HE felt I needed Emmett to come early with another C-section.
But I have learned since, i have met many mothers over the internet with my same cardiac conditions who have had succesfful natural births and VBACs. I have also met mothers of children with DS, who had more children, VBAC!
Have Faith in yourself Wendy becuz our Heavenly Father does and he will be there in whatever situation YOU decide. And even if it is not in your plans and things don't go is becuz HE needed to step in. You do what you feel you need to do. I will always be supportive! :)